My wild night out with Jacko’s chimp

COACHELLA CHAOS

Hello and welcome to your weekly ranking of who’s rising and falling in Celebland - in the week that a very similar thing was happening over at music festival/six-day Instagram opportunity Coachella.

Paris Hilton who, lest we forget, was once one of the biggest stars on earth, was reportedly ushered out of the VIP area at one afterparty - to make way for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

Tay was seen looking loved-up as she spoke to her NFL boyfriend. Was she whispering sweet nothings? Talking about Paris? Erm, not according to one lip-reader, who said she told him: “Sorry, I’m drunk.” Ah romance.

WHO’S HOT, WHO’S NOT

▲ Ashanti - the singer and Nelly are engaged and expecting a baby

▲ Christine Quinn - Selling Sunset star in court amid ‘ugly’ divorce

▲ NBA YoungBoy - rapper arrested in Utah on six charges

▼ Charli XCX - spike in search as collaboration with Troye Sivan is revealed

▼ Jason Kelce - reveals why his Superbowl ring is ‘now in landfill’

▼ Bad Bunny - faces having to reschedule concert because of the NB

▼ MASSIVE TAYLOR LEAK

Away from the boozy glamor of Coachella, there was high drama back in the real world after Taylor Swift’s whole new album appeared to have leaked online.

The Tortured Poets Department spilled onto the internet today - before its scheduled Friday release, with the 17 tracks reportedly having come from a Google Drive link now being passed around social media.

It’s hard to say how these things appear - sometimes the labels themselves are accused of having a hand. But many insisted they’re just going to ignore it. One wrote: "Raise your hand if you're an ACTUAL Taylor Swift fan and aren't listening.” We believe you.

▲ JACKO’S PARTY CHIMP

It’s not often we say this, but this story contains Michael Jackson, a rock legend, and a hard-partying monkey with a taste for cheeseburgers.

Jon Bon Jovi explained this week that he’d invited MJ on a night out but added: “He didn’t take us up on it - but he did send Bubbles”. As Jacko-watchers will know, Bubbles was the late singer’s pet chimp.

The Livin’ on a Prayer star said the monkey “partied like a rockstar" and even tucked into a cheeseburger, insisting: “Bubbles came down practically smoking a cigar.”

▲ UNITED STATES OF HAR-MERICA

Prince Harry is now an American (sort of) with the ex-royal cutting ties with the United Kingdom in newly-lodged official documents.

The Prince changed his country of residence from the UK to the US on forms filed for his eco-tourism company Travalyst, whose staff he addressed in a video from his California mansion this week.

We’re sure what he said was very important but Harry-watchers were more interested in what was in the background - with a sketch of Meghan Markle and a picture of his late mum Princess Diana among the trinkets around his desk.

Q: POP QUIZ

As Taylor Swift’s new album comes out (perhaps a little earlier than planned) can you spot which of these tracks from The Tortured Poets Department are real - and which ones have we made up?

1. Florida!!!

2. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

3. The Boy Who Cried Wolverine

3. Queen Of The Undertaker’s Yard

5. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

6. Heartbreak Interstate

Scroll down for the answers.

▼ THE KAR-SPLASH-IANS

Kim Kardashian has posted plenty of weird stuff in her time - she’s claimed to be able to smell people with cavities, revealed she blow-dries jewelry before wearing it (so it’s not cold you see), and once announced: “I had no idea a pickle was really a cucumber.”

Now she’s got people talking again with a picture of her in a bikini diving in water that’s so shallow it could be a puddle.

Fans found the whole thing hilarious, writing: “Why is she diving in knee deep water?” and “Girl where r u jumping?” Maybe she was looking for that $75,000 diamond earring she once lost in the ocean.

▲ WEST WORLD

Given Kanye West’s wife Bianca Censori’s recent shocking outfits (remember her see-through trousers, no underpants combo?) you think she’d be wrestled to the floor by Goofy the moment she approached Disneyland.

But this week both of them were seen touring the theme park with a Disney employee who helped them to skip queues for their favorite rides.

As many pointed out, Bianca wasn’t wearing any shoes at the park, where you’d normally be barred for having bare feet. However, some fans were more concerned about her clothes. One wrote: “No bra and a rollercoster, ouch!”

▼ JUST-IN THE DUMPS

You used to always see Justin Bieber grinning mischievously, often ahead of doing something faintly annoying.

But that’s not really the case these days with the singer seen looking miserable and slightly disheveled in sweat pants and giant slippers as he went to pick up his lunch amid rumors about his marriage to Hailey.

The pair had once again tried to put to bed talk that they’d divorced after cosying up together at Coachella this week.

Q: POP QUIZ

OK so there were three fake Taylor Swift songs in the mix here, some perhaps more obviously made-up than others.

But did you catch them all? Email us if you did.

1. Florida!!! - REAL

2. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - REAL

3. The Boy Who Cried Wolverine - FAKE

3. Queen Of The Undertaker’s Yard - FAKE

5. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - REAL

6. Heartbreak Interstate - FAKE

UNDER THE RADAR

Here’s some other stories you might have missed this week…

• Zayn Malik reveals the UK dish he can’t get a good version of since moving to Pennsylvania

• Rust armorer Hannah Gutierrez-Reed sentenced to 18 months for Halyna Hutchins' death

• Harry Potter star Warwick Davis’ wife Samantha dies aged 53 after sepsis battle

• Brad Pitt’s 34-year-old girlfriend Ines showed off her abs this week

• Metallica star gets new tattoo - made from the ashes of Lemmy from Motorhead